You know that weird feeling in the back of your mind? That one that’s a warning and just tells you to be careful. That thought that something is just wrong or just not right?
Well, I’ve been feeling that for about a week now. Something lurking and just bad in the back of my mind poking and prodding at me. And it’s been so deep seated that it actually triggered my OCD and triggered a skin-picking episode.
It’s also led me to really realize a bit about just how I handle that ‘fuzzy bad’ feeling that prickles in the back of my mind, as compared to perhaps more normal people. Continue reading “Fuzzy Bad Feeling”
Fair warning! I’m going to talk about past emotional abuse & probably what counts as some kind of traumatic history. Therefore, everything goes on below a very friendly “read more”, because I don’t really want to blast this on the main blog without warning for anyone who doesn’t want to get into all this kind of family history and the crazy history of my childhood and “young adulthood”.
If you want to read, please feel free. I’m good to share on about my crazy life and just what all sorts of ridiculous stuff happened this last Saturday that I’ve been digesting the last few days and trying to figure out. It’s a lot of family drama and a lot of stupid stuff (I’m the first to be honest on this front), but this is my safe haven and my personal place where I can write it all out. Feel free to read on, if you want and/or are curious. Continue reading “Dynamic Struggles: Post Trauma & Emotional Abuse”
My favorite time of the year is here. — alright, so that’s actually major sarcasm. I really, really hate the holidays. They’re the worst time of the year for me. I’ve touched on that before. So no need to go into a whole novel on that again.
Short version: my jackass of a dad decided to tell us the day after Christmas that my parents were getting divorced when I was 11; there’s other family drama that’s gone down over the years during “holiday season”; suffice: holidays are hell. I don’t like them.
Basically: holidays are hell on my mental health for those and a host of other reasons. Always have been. Pair that with my ongoing mental illness and mental health problems–and poof! Recipe for lots of struggles and lots of difficult times for me. Even when I’m doing mostly well.
Admittedly, I had not been doing “well” recently. Continue reading “Holidays & Mental Health”
Today was a shitty day. Well, beyond that really. Besides the general toughness of work in the ‘busy’ season, I also had to deal with a flare up of my OCD. Generally I’ve been doing pretty good, and that’s thanks to my medication. But occasionally a bad day just presents itself, and today was just a roaring bad one all across the board. Continue reading “OCD Compulsions”
Being a mentally ill “pagan” is all sorts of fun. (high levels of sarcasm here) Mostly because of all the people out there the broader community who all seem obsessed with how everything has to be “naturally” done, or go back to nature, etc. etc. ad nauseum, blah blah blah. And it’s not like this is anything new to experience or see going on; it’s not. Really, it’s rather old-hat around the pagan community, if you just take a few seconds to google or look up past conversations. And I’ve been dealing with the fall out of this ever since I was a baby pagan back at like 12 years old on Gaia Online (my very first experience with online pagans!).
Continue reading “Mentally Ill Online Pagan”
I’m having a fairly bad time lately. My mental health has not been the best, in fact I’m rather a bit stressed out. Work is definitely triggering all my sore points, and causing some destabilization. On top of that, I can tell that I’m kind of swinging between hypo-manic and depressed, teetering on the edge of one or the other. Which is not where I want to be, not in the slightest. All in all, I really just need some time off and away from people. Not that I’ll get that, but I am trying hard not to fall into a trap of overreaching and causing myself trouble.∗
There’s been a lot of thinking lately about words, and what things spoken can do to have power for me. Partially because I’ve been having a lot of internal struggles, and also because I just sometimes reflect on my childhood and just how it affects me now–it’s my personal wake-up check and self-reflection to always consider what I do, how I act, and just how I’ve gotten to a point in my practice or beliefs. Sometimes they are easy reflections, other times it is far more difficult. I have always been pretty deep into thinking (not to say I’ve always been the most perceptive of people…I can be downright obtuse at times); which of course leads to lots of time introspecting on just how I got to here.
And generally I really try to be vague about this topic here; because I don’t like to raise problems or stir the still waters. But sometimes things come up and I really do need to talk about it. I’m allowed my thoughts on the subject, after all, even if my sibling and others might not agree with how I see such things. But this is for sure something where my childhood has a huge impact on how I feel about the topic.
I’m putting read more, because I’m going to talk about emotional and verbal abuse (in a kind of abstract – there’s no graphic details) in my childhood, and how it’s affected my beliefs and understanding of words. So feel free to skip if you don’t want to read about that. Continue reading “Powerful Words”
So I’m fully stressed and fully ill. It’s been a rough month for me–wherein I’ve been exceptionally ill for quite some time. Culminating in today, where I’ve been physically ill and throwing up. Which is never fun (not that I think anyone ever thinks that’s fun). Suffice that this month has not been amusing nor pleasant for me.
I don’t do well sick, I’m admittedly a bit of a baby about it. I do well and buck up when needed, but some times its just too much and I have to disconnect. So then days like today, where I was just flat plain too sick to go to work without danger of throwing up at my computer…so I called in. I’m sure I’ll get in trouble for it later, but whatever. Health is more important, after all. And I need to take care of myself. Continue reading “On Being Sick”
So I have the unfortunate luck of being a sufferer of chronic, frequent, debilitating migraines. And even worse is that they’re totally genetic. Both my parents, one uncle, several aunts, and I don’t even know how many cousins all have them. We, as both sides of my family, clearly drew genetic short straw when it comes to this type of thing. Most telling for me, my mom is treatment resistant to a bunch of the medications for migraines. My dad had to try like 4 different medications, he told me, before he found one that worked. So basically, I’m screwed on this front–because with both my parents getting them badly, there’s no way for me to avoid having them. Continue reading “Migraines & Medical Treatment”
So I just realized a bizarre compulsion attached to my OCD that I’d never realized before. See…I have favorite movie series’ that I like to watch (Harry Potter, LOTR, Indiana Jones, Star Wars). And once I’ve watched one of them, I just have to watch the others. I’d never noticed this before. But I, if I’m in control of the watching, pick the first in the series, and then go through in order. I can’t really help it either, it’s one of those things I just have to do, or I get, well antsy. It’s strange, because I’ve been doing this since I was a little kid. I would always watch movie series’, TV shows, or the like in chronological order. It would irrationally bother and annoy me if things were played out of order. So one after the other, always in order, that’s how I watch them. And I don’t ever stop at just 1 in the series, I finish from the point I start, or I pick a string (say 4 episodes) and watch in order. Continue reading “OCD Compulsions”