Fuzzy Bad Feeling

You know that weird feeling in the back of your mind? That one that’s a warning and just tells you to be careful. That thought that something is just wrong or just not right?

Well, I’ve been feeling that for about a week now. Something lurking and just bad in the back of my mind poking and prodding at me. And it’s been so deep seated that it actually triggered my OCD and triggered a skin-picking episode.

It’s also led me to really realize a bit about just how I handle that ‘fuzzy bad’ feeling that prickles in the back of my mind, as compared to perhaps more normal people. Continue reading “Fuzzy Bad Feeling”


Dynamic Struggles: Post Trauma & Emotional Abuse

Fair warning! I’m going to talk about past emotional abuse & probably what counts as some kind of traumatic history.  Therefore, everything goes on below a very friendly “read more”, because I don’t really want to blast this on the main blog without warning for anyone who doesn’t want to get into all this kind of family history and the crazy history of my childhood and “young adulthood”.

If you want to read, please feel free. I’m good to share on about my crazy life and just what all sorts of ridiculous stuff happened this last Saturday that I’ve been digesting the last few days and trying to figure out. It’s a lot of family drama and a lot of stupid stuff (I’m the first to be honest on this front), but this is my safe haven and my personal place where I can write it all out. Feel free to read on, if you want and/or are curious. Continue reading “Dynamic Struggles: Post Trauma & Emotional Abuse”

Holidays & Mental Health

My favorite time of the year is here. — alright, so that’s actually major sarcasm. I really, really hate the holidays. They’re the worst time of the year for me. I’ve touched on that before. So no need to go into a whole novel on that again.

Short version: my jackass of a dad decided to tell us the day after Christmas that my parents were getting divorced when I was 11; there’s other family drama that’s gone down over the years during “holiday season”; suffice: holidays are hell. I don’t like them.

Basically: holidays are hell on my mental health for those and a host of other reasons. Always have been. Pair that with my ongoing mental illness and mental health problems–and poof! Recipe for lots of struggles and lots of difficult times for me. Even when I’m doing mostly well.

Admittedly, I had not been doing “well” recently. Continue reading “Holidays & Mental Health”

Mentally Ill Online Pagan

Being a mentally ill “pagan” is all sorts of fun. (high levels of sarcasm here) Mostly because of all the people out there the broader community who all seem obsessed with how everything has to be “naturally” done, or go back to nature, etc. etc. ad nauseum, blah blah blah. And it’s not like this is anything new to experience or see going on; it’s not. Really, it’s rather old-hat around the pagan community, if you just take a few seconds to google or look up past conversations. And I’ve been dealing with the fall out of this ever since I was a baby pagan back at like 12 years old on Gaia Online (my very first experience with online pagans!).

Continue reading “Mentally Ill Online Pagan”

Powerful Words

There’s been a lot of thinking lately about words, and what things spoken can do to have power for me. Partially because I’ve been having a lot of internal struggles, and also because I just sometimes reflect on my childhood and just how it affects me now–it’s my personal wake-up check and self-reflection to always consider what I do, how I act, and just how I’ve gotten to a point in my practice or beliefs. Sometimes they are easy reflections, other times it is far more difficult. I have always been pretty deep into thinking (not to say I’ve always been the most perceptive of people…I can be downright obtuse at times); which of course leads to lots of time introspecting on just how I got to here.

And generally I really try to be vague about this topic here; because I don’t like to raise problems or stir the still waters. But sometimes things come up and I really do need to talk about it. I’m allowed my thoughts on the subject, after all, even if my sibling and others might not agree with how I see such things. But this is for sure something where my childhood has a huge impact on how I feel about the topic.

I’m putting read more, because I’m going to talk about emotional and verbal abuse (in a kind of abstract – there’s no graphic details) in my childhood, and how it’s affected my beliefs and understanding of words. So feel free to skip if you don’t want to read about that. Continue reading “Powerful Words”

OCD Compulsions

So I just realized a bizarre compulsion attached to my OCD that I’d never realized before. See…I have favorite movie series’ that I like to watch (Harry Potter, LOTR, Indiana Jones, Star Wars). And once I’ve watched one of them, I just have to watch the others. I’d never noticed this before. But I, if I’m in control of the watching, pick the first in the series, and then go through in order. I can’t really help it either, it’s one of those things I just have to do, or I get, well antsy. It’s strange, because I’ve been doing this since I was a little kid. I would always watch movie series’, TV shows, or the like in chronological order. It would irrationally bother and annoy me if things were played out of order. So one after the other, always in order, that’s how I watch them. And I don’t ever stop at just 1 in the series, I finish from the point I start, or I pick a string (say 4 episodes) and watch in order. Continue reading “OCD Compulsions”

Recent Struggles

So recently I’ve been having major troubles with my mental health.

I’ve mentioned in the past briefly about my struggles with my bipolar II and OCD. Generally I’ve framed it in terms of how it’s been a struggle in relation to my spiritual/religious practices. What its like for me being “crazy” in the overarching pagan community. How I’ve dealt with talking online to others about my interactions with others. That’s generally how I’ve tried to keep it. Because ostensibly the point of this blog was originally to be just about my spiritual journey. Really though, it’s a blog about me as a whole person. Continue reading “Recent Struggles”


I’m always a bit shaky on the specifics of discernment.

See, I know that it is discerning, or determining, what is and is not real. But beyond that…which criteria to use, that is where it gets murky for me. See, I’m easily able to admit that discernment is one thing I’m not terribly good at. Perhaps because I have so little experience in sensing things…or experiencing things that require discernment–I’m pretty terrible at it. Continue reading “Discernment”

Certain Numbers

Certain Numbers

There are certain numbers that just bother a person.

For me, it happens to be the number 1 that absolutely grates on me. I don’t like odd numbers as much as even numbers anyway…but this number is absolutely grating. For some reason, this number just serves to seriously bother me on multiple fronts. I’m not sure why…or even what this number has to do with anything. I don’t think there is anything at all that leads to my internal annoyance and problems with it. I just know that there’s certain things about this number that seriously bother me. Continue reading “Certain Numbers”