Fuzzy Bad Feeling

You know that weird feeling in the back of your mind? That one that’s a warning and just tells you to be careful. That thought that something is just wrong or just not right?

Well, I’ve been feeling that for about a week now. Something lurking and just bad in the back of my mind poking and prodding at me. And it’s been so deep seated that it actually triggered my OCD and triggered a skin-picking episode.

It’s also led me to really realize a bit about just how I handle that ‘fuzzy bad’ feeling that prickles in the back of my mind, as compared to perhaps more normal people. Continue reading “Fuzzy Bad Feeling”


Dynamic Struggles: Post Trauma & Emotional Abuse

Fair warning! I’m going to talk about past emotional abuse & probably what counts as some kind of traumatic history.  Therefore, everything goes on below a very friendly “read more”, because I don’t really want to blast this on the main blog without warning for anyone who doesn’t want to get into all this kind of family history and the crazy history of my childhood and “young adulthood”.

If you want to read, please feel free. I’m good to share on about my crazy life and just what all sorts of ridiculous stuff happened this last Saturday that I’ve been digesting the last few days and trying to figure out. It’s a lot of family drama and a lot of stupid stuff (I’m the first to be honest on this front), but this is my safe haven and my personal place where I can write it all out. Feel free to read on, if you want and/or are curious. Continue reading “Dynamic Struggles: Post Trauma & Emotional Abuse”

Holidays & Mental Health

My favorite time of the year is here. — alright, so that’s actually major sarcasm. I really, really hate the holidays. They’re the worst time of the year for me. I’ve touched on that before. So no need to go into a whole novel on that again.

Short version: my jackass of a dad decided to tell us the day after Christmas that my parents were getting divorced when I was 11; there’s other family drama that’s gone down over the years during “holiday season”; suffice: holidays are hell. I don’t like them.

Basically: holidays are hell on my mental health for those and a host of other reasons. Always have been. Pair that with my ongoing mental illness and mental health problems–and poof! Recipe for lots of struggles and lots of difficult times for me. Even when I’m doing mostly well.

Admittedly, I had not been doing “well” recently. Continue reading “Holidays & Mental Health”

Mentally Ill Online Pagan

Being a mentally ill “pagan” is all sorts of fun. (high levels of sarcasm here) Mostly because of all the people out there the broader community who all seem obsessed with how everything has to be “naturally” done, or go back to nature, etc. etc. ad nauseum, blah blah blah. And it’s not like this is anything new to experience or see going on; it’s not. Really, it’s rather old-hat around the pagan community, if you just take a few seconds to google or look up past conversations. And I’ve been dealing with the fall out of this ever since I was a baby pagan back at like 12 years old on Gaia Online (my very first experience with online pagans!).

Continue reading “Mentally Ill Online Pagan”

Rough Times

I’m having a fairly bad time lately. My mental health has not been the best, in fact I’m rather a bit stressed out. Work is definitely triggering all my sore points, and causing some destabilization. On top of that, I can tell that I’m kind of swinging between hypo-manic and depressed, teetering on the edge of one or the other. Which is not where I want to be, not in the slightest. All in all, I really just need some time off and away from people. Not that I’ll get that, but I am trying hard not to fall into a trap of overreaching and causing myself trouble.

RIP Carrie Fisher

RIP Carrie Fisher

I am in utter shock. This morning while I was at work I learned that Carrie Fisher had passed away (one article).

This year is truly one of the worst I’ve really been through, to count all those who I’ve looked up to, admired, or been fond of that have passed away.

But Carrie Fisher is a special case in a lot of respects; someone completely different than the others from this year that have passed away, at least in my personal understanding and feeling. Continue reading “RIP Carrie Fisher”

OCD Compulsions

So I just realized a bizarre compulsion attached to my OCD that I’d never realized before. See…I have favorite movie series’ that I like to watch (Harry Potter, LOTR, Indiana Jones, Star Wars). And once I’ve watched one of them, I just have to watch the others. I’d never noticed this before. But I, if I’m in control of the watching, pick the first in the series, and then go through in order. I can’t really help it either, it’s one of those things I just have to do, or I get, well antsy. It’s strange, because I’ve been doing this since I was a little kid. I would always watch movie series’, TV shows, or the like in chronological order. It would irrationally bother and annoy me if things were played out of order. So one after the other, always in order, that’s how I watch them. And I don’t ever stop at just 1 in the series, I finish from the point I start, or I pick a string (say 4 episodes) and watch in order. Continue reading “OCD Compulsions”

Recent Struggles

So recently I’ve been having major troubles with my mental health.

I’ve mentioned in the past briefly about my struggles with my bipolar II and OCD. Generally I’ve framed it in terms of how it’s been a struggle in relation to my spiritual/religious practices. What its like for me being “crazy” in the overarching pagan community. How I’ve dealt with talking online to others about my interactions with others. That’s generally how I’ve tried to keep it. Because ostensibly the point of this blog was originally to be just about my spiritual journey. Really though, it’s a blog about me as a whole person. Continue reading “Recent Struggles”

Jackass – aka the Family

I am just going to start off by saying that this post is going under “read more”.

I will say why, so you, my lovely followers, can decide if you want to read this one or not.

There is loads of family drama…mentions of suicide and mental illness. Also, nothing to do with polytheism and magic. So feel free to read or skip at your discretion. Continue reading “Jackass – aka the Family”