Today was a shitty day. Well, beyond that really. Besides the general toughness of work in the ‘busy’ season, I also had to deal with a flare up of my OCD. Generally I’ve been doing pretty good, and that’s thanks to my medication. But occasionally a bad day just presents itself, and today was just a roaring bad one all across the board.
I started off the morning waking up too early. Which just caused me to freak out and threw off my morning ritual. So then I spent the whole drive to work freaking out, sure that I left my front door open and the cat would get out (which is stupid, I know I locked it)–and worse, I couldn’t even call my mom to ask her to make sure the door was shut, because my phone was brick-dead all day long, since the charger died. So I was already in a fine panic by the time I got to work, and because I was so freaking nervous and my brain just kept telling me how I for sure let the cat out and he was going to get eaten thanks to my mistake…I actually started chewing on my lip.
So by about 9am I had chewed the skin off my lower lip nearly raw, and I did start bleeding. The whole while, as I’m working on my job, I just keep have these running thoughts in my head that I got the kitty killed…that I obviously wanted it to happen, or I’d have done a better job at shutting the door…the usual intrusive thoughts. Oh, and of course the rest of the thoughts, telling me that I definitely should not be around at all, there are better people out there than me…that’s another fun one I get to deal with a lot of the time. Or rather, the “usual” being that they just get louder and louder the longer they go on.
Since I had to stop chewing on my lip, I reverted back to picking at the skin around my nails. Which is really bad, because if I pick at them long enough they bleed. And picking at my fingers actually can make it painful to type (which is kind of 95% of my job). So that was from…eh, 10:00 until I left work at 16:30. It’s not good, and my hands are really rough right now, to tell the truth.
But, there are some days where I just have to give in. Usually I’m really good about controlling the thoughts and the compulsions. I’m pretty handy at just moving past them without giving in, especially the blatantly stupid ones that I just know I took care of. But today not so much. Today was just a hellacious bad day for the whole thing.
Obviously, the kitty was just fine. I did lock the door, he didn’t get out. I’m worthy, I belong, too. So nothing bad came about (and it isn’t because I gave in and actually did the compulsions, I know that). It’s just a rough day–and I’m looking forward to tomorrow being a better day.*