I am just going to start off by saying that this post is going under “read more”.

I will say why, so you, my lovely followers, can decide if you want to read this one or not.

There is loads of family drama…mentions of suicide and mental illness. Also, nothing to do with polytheism and magic. So feel free to read or skip at your discretion.

My grandpa just pulled one of the worst stunts in my family history.

It starts off about 13 months ago with a fight my grandpa got into with his brother, my uncle. Lots of details there…but the short version is that my grandpa did something really stupid, that caused a huge rift in the family. Not that he really realized it. Because the rift mostly happened with my cousins who live out of state.

My family has known about this for the whole last year. It was a pretty big deal, and my uncle told my mom and her family, because he felt it was important to keep everyone safe by knowing what had happened. So I’ve known for a year, same as my mom, aunt and a few others here in state. It’s been safe enough, because I stopped spending time with my grandpa at night–when he’s drunk and abusive–and I severely limited my time with him at all. It was the safest way to handle the situation, as it was not really possible to just cut him out of my life.

However, this last weekend things came to a head. One of my cousins, his nephews, called my grandpa up and uninvited him from a family function down with the family – direct result of what my grandpa did to my cousin’s father. (short clarification – my cousin is actually my mom’s cousin, but we just call everyone “cousin” to make things easier.)

Things seemed okay, until Sunday night.

My grandpa called my mom and aunt, screamed at them both…was more sorts of verbally abusive. Then he went and pulled the stunt that I do not know if I can ever forgive him for. My grandpa decided (probably drunk at the time) that it was a brilliant idea to threaten my mom and aunt that he was going to kill himself.

I know how tough it is. I’ve felt suicidal at times before. The depths of my bipolar means that at my most depressed, I have come very close at times. I’ve been perhaps steps from the end…but I’ve been able to keep myself here and in one piece. I’ve survived and fought back over to the living and mostly stable. It is tough knowing that mental illness leaves me vulnerable to such things. But I know what my worst is, and I know how to manage it. I am able to deal and to remind myself of the good things that keep me whole and healthy.

I have another cousin who committed suicide. It’s another one of my grandpa’s grand-nephews, besides the one who called him this last weekend. That was devastating to his parents, and to the rest of the family who dearly loved him.

For me, knowing what suicide is…knowing how it affected those closest to my cousin, it was devastating. It is not a joke.

I understand people who say they will commit suicide. Cries for help should be recognized and acted upon. That is not what any issue is for me. I understand all too well what it is to be overwhelmed and feel like you have nothing left. That’s familiar, understandable, and I’m sympathetic and empathetic to those in that situation. I am upset that someone would say such cruel things to their family, without meaning it.

And I am furious that my grandpa dared to threaten something to try and upset my mom and aunt. Because with my grandpa, it is not a cry for help. It’s not a real statement of something he feels pulled to do by his mental illness (he has major depression, even if he won’t admit it). He told my mom and aunt he was going to kill himself to make them feel guilty and to try and get what he wanted out of them. He doesn’t give a damn that he upset and angered my family.

He’ll be fine in a few days, having blown off his steam–and he’ll probably laugh about his little “game”…which is how he will think of this. It’s a big fucking joke to him.

And I wish that I was exaggerating that. But he is himself. And that means this was all a thing for him to play with. It was not real emotion or real thought. He said things in an attempt to shake up my family, to cause pain and to be cruel. That is what he did, and he was terrible to even consider doing something like that.

That’s the part that makes me most upset and angry with him. He says something that caused major stress to my mom and aunt. Then he’ll just act like nothing happened. He is a jackass to do it.

I almost wish he had been plastered drunk. There might then be a reason for him being such a jackass and doing something so cruel and heartless. However, after years seeing the “functioning” alcoholic at work – I know he was not drunk. He was totally sober. Or rather, for him, mostly sober. Probably three or four glasses of scotch in. But that’s near totally sober for him. It would almost make it understandable if he had been drunk. But he wasn’t.

I’m absolutely furious.

The truth is, considering this little “game” of his – I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive him. I’m so angry that I’m still shaking when I think about it. He is going to call me at some point. I don’t know what I will say. I’m not sure if I should even engage at any point now. It’s going to take a lot for me to even begin to accept him after pulling such a stunt.

I’m not sure how to proceed. For now, I’m working through my anger. But afterwards, I have to decide what I say or do. At this point, I’m almost willing to write him off. But I know this is still raw for me. So I need to give myself more time to work through things and figure out if that is really what is best for me or not.

Really, I just needed to vent, and this is a safe place to vent.

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