Head Blind and being Pagan

Is a very interesting experience.

Back when I first started seriously interacting with online pagans I was afraid to admit to myself that I was head blind. I knew I was, to the depths of my soul, but I didn’t really admit it to myself, and I certainly never said so in any of the online forums I was lurked on, or the few I participated in. Because being head blind was not cool. You had to have some way to sense/see/participate in all the cool stuff going on around you to be a “real pagan”™. If you weren’t special in some way, you were a poser, a fake, and not really pagan…so you had to have some way of being obviously pagan. And that meant sensing/seeing/hearing the supernatural or the gods in some way. Of course, I know better now. I’m a lot more mature than I was at 14-15 years old. Being head blind isn’t a problem, at least, not the way I thought it was back then. Sure, there are downsides to it, but there are benefits.

See, back then, I used to want dearly to have the god-phone, to be able to sense and talk to spirits and deities at will, all the time. Or rather, just to have clear sign that I was able to communicate with or know that they existed. I thought there was something wrong with me for being totally unable to sense or talk to anything out of the normal daily realm. And, the people online a lot of the time will say that there is something wrong…that you’re doing is wrong if you can’t connect with anything spiritual on any other realm. But that’s not true. And I’ve read blogs by people with god-phones, I’ve read those posts. I know now that those people have their problems that I don’t want. Both sides of the equation have benefits and downsides. Neither side is magically better than the other.

It took me a long time to understand that, but I came to terms with that over the years. While those with that open connection with deities are gifted and have a special power in their own way…sometimes I’m sure they are highly overwhelmed. It must drain on them to constantly be poked at to have to pass on messages, or to constantly be bothered by deities. At times, I imagine, it must push beyond the limits of durability. On the other hand, they also have a type of connection that I do not have, and probably will never have with the gods–a type of connection that is far closer in many respects. That is okay with me, because they have a heavy burden that I do not have to pay. However, I’ve got a type of freedom that they do not have at times: I’m not burdened with the constant press to have voices or images…signs or whatever it is that the gods present to their chosen with the phones. Still, I do have the lack of connection that at times is slightly discouraging. Often I’m not sure if my gods are even existent. I don’t know if they are right for me at times. I haven’t received any blatant signs that I’ve transgressed, so I’m taking that as a good sign, so for the moment I’m mostly content. But at times, I do feel a bit lost in the grey fog.

The reason I sometimes feel so lost is that I’m perhaps a bit more head blind than the normal “pagan” who complains about it. See…I’m head blind to even my own magic/witchcraft. I can’t sense even my own witchcraft at work. I can’t sense my own energy at all. I’ve done a lot to try and help in this area, but up until now, it has done absolutely nothing to help. Perhaps I just haven’t found a method that helps me yet, or maybe I really am meant to be totally head blind to everything. Whatever it is, I’m just unable to sense anything of the nature that most people can have some basic sensitivity to. (There are basic flashes, rarely, such as when I saw my grandma’s ghost the day after she died…but that’s so rare as to be almost totally unheard of for me)

So I can’t even trust to magic when I perform it myself. I can perform it, and I’m more than capable of doing things for myself if I prepare it well, and take my time on the preparation. However, that preparation takes far more time than for most others, and I need to be more cautious than perhaps those with an innate sense for the results would be. Still, since I can’t sense what my own magic will do or what it does, I have to use divination that clearly lays out the results, such as rune stones or now I’m learning tarot. Pendulums don’t work for me, they just swing aimlessly.

I suppose there is some laughter to be had in a polytheist who practices witchcraft that cannot sense anything that she actually does. After all…it does sound ridiculous to write it all out. After all, I should be able to sense what I’m doing, if I’m going to do it. But…I’ve found out another way to work, one that works for me. I may not be intuitive in the way that most pagans are. I have done things a harder way, in terms of witchcraft, that might be true. But, I’m not that unusual. There are many pagans who are head blind to some extent or another, I’m just more so than most. And as for witchcraft–I just make sure that I’m very prepared and cautious before I do anything. That is not terribly bad. I follow the school there of “mundane before magic”, which has helped to serve me pretty well so far in life.∗

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I'm a bibliophile who loves collecting books. Definite cat person. Amateur historian and major geek, who loves all things Tolkien and Star Trek. I'm also fluent in German.

10 thoughts on “Head Blind and being Pagan

  1. I hear you on all this, even the magic parts. I go through the motions but I don’t really feel things. Sometimes I see results, but it’s hard to say if it was me at all or just how things turned out.

    It’s nice to read more posts from people who are headblind, thank you for sharing. “Mundane before magic” indeed!

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    1. You’re most welcome. I think there are more people who are headblind, but just don’t share it. I think that I’m going to be more open about it from now on, because it is a huge part of how I practice. And I feel better for being open about it here. I’m glad that it helps others to share my experience. 🙂

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    1. Thank you for your comment.
      However, I am not neo-Wiccan, and I do not have a Lord and Lady figure. Still, I appreciate the welcome thoughts.

      I’ve done some work with meditation.

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  2. Overwhelmed is a good way of putting it.

    Before I made my formal oaths, I can honestly say I was practically swarmed. Gods, spirits, the dead. . . honestly some days I count myself lucky I’m not a total basket case. My god has taught me how to filter out some of the noise, when and if he doesn’t mediate those communications himself, which has been a blessing.

    There is nothing wrong, and I say that bolded, *nothing* wrong with being “headblind”. I don’t even like the term. It implies deficiency. Would I trade my ‘phone’? Not for anything. Has it sometimes given me a lot more grief that I can even elaborate on? You bet.

    There are other ways to communicate with the gods besides a voice over your shoulder. Omens, dreams, automatic writing, ect. Lots of other ways. I don’t think people should be upset they don’t ‘hear the voices’. I can imagine in some ways, the peace and quiet would be nice.

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  3. I’m glad I’m not alone (though that sounds kinda bad? *facepalms*). I think I’m pretty headblind myself (or spiritually thick/dim as I’ve called myself), but hopefully I’ll come to accept that. I guess I’m still in the phase of struggling with accepting it. Thank you for writing this. 🙂

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    1. Nope, don’t feel bad for saying you’re glad you’re not alone. 🙂 That’s what I wrote it. I want others to know they aren’t alone. There are others who are head blind.

      I still struggle sometimes. But I’m well onto the road to full acceptance. It’s just part of who I am.

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  4. I think another major issue with reading the forums and blogs online is the uniformity. Notice that most people talk about experiencing energy and spirits/gods with their sight or sense of touch. What about the other senses? What about emotions?

    It’s the fear of being too different, even among the already-different, that stops many people from voicing their concerns and different experiences. I mean, it’s hard to accept that your experience might be too weird for the weirdos you commune with!

    My friend and I are both headblind, at least in seeing energies. However, we experience them still. I feel an emotional change (calmness, or love, or excitement) depending on the type of energy I’m around/raising. My friend’s very sensitive to the emotions of others, so she too experiences most energy as an emotional feeling.

    I also feel energy in what I’d describe as pressure. Imagine how it feels to walk by a building; you can actually feel the physical pressure of it at your side, even with your eyes closed. For me, I sometimes experience that sensation in large rituals where lots of energy is apparently swinging around; the air pressure just feels different.

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