Is a very interesting experience.

Back when I first started seriously interacting with online pagans I was afraid to admit to myself that I was head blind. I knew I was, to the depths of my soul, but I didn’t really admit it to myself, and I certainly never said so in any of the online forums I was lurked on, or the few I participated in. Because being head blind was not cool. You had to have some way to sense/see/participate in all the cool stuff going on around you to be a “real pagan”™. If you weren’t special in some way, you were a poser, a fake, and not really pagan…so you had to have some way of being obviously pagan. And that meant sensing/seeing/hearing the supernatural or the gods in some way. Of course, I know better now. I’m a lot more mature than I was at 14-15 years old. Being head blind isn’t a problem, at least, not the way I thought it was back then. Sure, there are downsides to it, but there are benefits.

See, back then, I used to want dearly to have the god-phone, to be able to sense and talk to spirits and deities at will, all the time. Or rather, just to have clear sign that I was able to communicate with or know that they existed. I thought there was something wrong with me for being totally unable to sense or talk to anything out of the normal daily realm. And, the people online a lot of the time will say that there is something wrong…that you’re doing is wrong if you can’t connect with anything spiritual on any other realm. But that’s not true. And I’ve read blogs by people with god-phones, I’ve read those posts. I know now that those people have their problems that I don’t want. Both sides of the equation have benefits and downsides. Neither side is magically better than the other.

It took me a long time to understand that, but I came to terms with that over the years. While those with that open connection with deities are gifted and have a special power in their own way…sometimes I’m sure they are highly overwhelmed. It must drain on them to constantly be poked at to have to pass on messages, or to constantly be bothered by deities. At times, I imagine, it must push beyond the limits of durability. On the other hand, they also have a type of connection that I do not have, and probably will never have with the gods–a type of connection that is far closer in many respects. That is okay with me, because they have a heavy burden that I do not have to pay. However, I’ve got a type of freedom that they do not have at times: I’m not burdened with the constant press to have voices or images…signs or whatever it is that the gods present to their chosen with the phones. Still, I do have the lack of connection that at times is slightly discouraging. Often I’m not sure if my gods are even existent. I don’t know if they are right for me at times. I haven’t received any blatant signs that I’ve transgressed, so I’m taking that as a good sign, so for the moment I’m mostly content. But at times, I do feel a bit lost in the grey fog.

The reason I sometimes feel so lost is that I’m perhaps a bit more head blind than the normal “pagan” who complains about it. See…I’m head blind to even my own magic/witchcraft. I can’t sense even my own witchcraft at work. I can’t sense my own energy at all. I’ve done a lot to try and help in this area, but up until now, it has done absolutely nothing to help. Perhaps I just haven’t found a method that helps me yet, or maybe I really am meant to be totally head blind to everything. Whatever it is, I’m just unable to sense anything of the nature that most people can have some basic sensitivity to. (There are basic flashes, rarely, such as when I saw my grandma’s ghost the day after she died…but that’s so rare as to be almost totally unheard of for me)

So I can’t even trust to magic when I perform it myself. I can perform it, and I’m more than capable of doing things for myself if I prepare it well, and take my time on the preparation. However, that preparation takes far more time than for most others, and I need to be more cautious than perhaps those with an innate sense for the results would be. Still, since I can’t sense what my own magic will do or what it does, I have to use divination that clearly lays out the results, such as rune stones or now I’m learning tarot. Pendulums don’t work for me, they just swing aimlessly.

I suppose there is some laughter to be had in a polytheist who practices witchcraft that cannot sense anything that she actually does. After all…it does sound ridiculous to write it all out. After all, I should be able to sense what I’m doing, if I’m going to do it. But…I’ve found out another way to work, one that works for me. I may not be intuitive in the way that most pagans are. I have done things a harder way, in terms of witchcraft, that might be true. But, I’m not that unusual. There are many pagans who are head blind to some extent or another, I’m just more so than most. And as for witchcraft–I just make sure that I’m very prepared and cautious before I do anything. That is not terribly bad. I follow the school there of “mundane before magic”, which has helped to serve me pretty well so far in life.∗