Trust – Evolving and Gone

I spent the weekend at my mom’s and my apartment. We’re splitting rent and I’m saving up money for grad school that I’ll hopefully be starting next September (September 2014 I mean). I come home to find this on my board outside my dorm room door:

Phone # Image

I edited the image to remove the phone number that was above the message, to protect the kid who was involved. Because this wasn’t his fault either. And I’m not going to get some other kid in trouble or bothered, when he wasn’t involved either. That isn’t my style in the slightest.

Now, I have 1 friend whose name starts with a K, he’s definitely not interested in me. He’s highly interested in another girl, which I know for certain. I’ve been trying to help him get out on a date with her around her very busy nursing-class schedule. So there’s no issue there. All in all, I was highly confused when I got back on campus today and saw this on my whiteboard, because I don’t know any guys whose names start with K that might have been interested in me. I wasn’t sure if I should text the guy on the other end of the number, because I really wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with this.

My name is written at the top of my whiteboard, so it would be a guy writing, I knew that much. And, my door has a paper name tag with my name on it as well. So it’s pretty clear who lives in my apartment. All in all, obvious who I am. But….Emily is a very popular name for university-aged women, and usually if anyone is talking to me, it’s because they think I’m one of the other Emily’s around campus. There is at least 1 other Emily on my floor of my apartment-building, in my wing alone, and I don’t know about the other half of the building, because I don’t go down that wing at all. So I was pretty sure that whoever this “K___” was, they were probably interested in another Emily. That’s just how this stuff always goes.

Well, I finally texted the guy, sent him this photo, but the non-edited one, with his phone number included and asked him why he posted it on my door. He didn’t even know who I was. Or what Uni I was at. So we chatted a bit, to figure out what the hell was going on. Turns all out – one of his buddies at my Uni was pulling a prank. They put his number on a random door, as a joke. The joke being, getting some random girl to call up their buddy at some other college in our city to randomly get a laugh out of the whole lot of them. But this guy had no clue what res hall I was in, who I was, or what I was talking about. And he said it wasn’t his writing. But, when he told me who wrote the message, I had to do some quick Facebook profile checking. I don’t know the kid who did it per say. Actually, I’ve had the asshole in 1 class, a 1-month term, military ethics class, this last January. An Army ROTC kid at my Uni, this punk is an ass, used to getting whatever he wants. He’s a total tool, and I’m actually quite pissed off that he did this to me. But, since I know he has no clue where I live, or what my last name or initial is, I know that he didn’t deliberately pick my door out. He randomly picked a door and just coincidentally happened to get my door, it’s just his luck that I happen to know who the hell he is, which is just awesome (sarcasm).

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Which is, I guess, American college-male humor, to pull these kind of stunts on each other. I suppose, is normal-reaction just supposed to be, “laugh it off funny”. But, I have some things in my past that make it worse than that for me.

See, in high school I had some pretty awful relationships with 2 of my ex-boyfriends. There are details I don’t really feel comfortable putting out online. Suffice just that I’ve got some very deep scars on emotional trust with men. I don’t really believe when any man says that I can “trust [them]”.

Then there’s the kinds of things that I’ve dealt with by the average male American of any age on the streets in the U.S. just as as female on a daily basis. I get whistled at, hit on in the most vile ways, screamed at when I ignore the comments and leers on a weekly basis. I carry several ways to defend myself on a daily basis. I don’t walk alone at night without having my phone in my hand, or at least one thing that can be used as a weapon. I never walk anywhere where it is dark or without light if I don’t know what the place looks like beforehand (i.e. without having been there or seen it in the daylight before). And I don’t trust to walk alone with any of my male friends, unless I have a weapon, or something I can use as a weapon on hand, so that I can defend myself.  I’ve been spat at for telling a man to get lost for trying to grab my arm and trying to kiss me.

In Germany I was nearly assaulted by an American when I refused to go on a date with him. The only thing that stopped him was the appearance of the German police (gods bless them, by the way, the German police were always friendly to me).

And I could go on, but this is just a short run of stuff.

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And this was not the first time I’ve had someone go and pull this kind of stunt on me. I’ve had it happen once before, someone pulling this kind of phone number stunt before. Americans have a particular glee in pulling this kind of shit. It probably wouldn’t hit me nearly so hard, if I didn’t already have deep-seated trust issues. But since I do, I seriously was shaking in anger when this happened. I didn’t really think this guy would be interested in me, not this time. They never are interested in me. I hate crap like this.

I was so angry, I seriously contemplated cursing the SOB that laid out this prank. Once I had a few minutes to calm down, I would not do it. I mean…this isn’t worth that at all. But in the moment, I wanted to. I mean…I have a lot of anger about all this stuff built up. But in the heat of the moment, I considered it. It just pissed me off. Cursing him wouldn’t help me at all, and it wouldn’t make me feel better. I realized that, so I just am letting it go. I’m not really going to feel better by doing that, so I’m just going to ignore this kind of stuff in the future. I can’t really get drawn into this kind of college bullshit.

But when all this kind of stuff does is bring up memories of every other trust that I’ve had that gets broken, well it does make anger and hurt rise up. I know I can trust friends to friendship, and I do have some good male friends. But, I just can’t trust any males to potential relationships. This kind of stuff just reminds me of all the stuff that happens and why I can’t trust anyone who shows or pretends to show any potential interest in me as potential dating interest.


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