Either early-morning or late-night (depending on the point of view). I’ve been awake since 12 midnight my time, as I fell asleep during the evening instead by accident. So by perspective, it’s either really late or really early to be up and writing another blog post. I suppose I tend to go for late-night times anyway. I’m a night-owl by nature, and the polar opposite of a “morning person”. Of course, I also do my best homework during late hours like this. I just turned in my final philosophy paper for my J-Term class (Military Ethics), which I’m eternally grateful to be done with. The class was just awful and drawn-out. Which might also explain why my sleep schedule is so messed up right now.

In any case, it gives me time to think and muse on my spirituality. After a month of discussing the ethics and morality of various military issues has gotten me thinking about my own beliefs. Not in terms of what I think about warfare, terrorism, torture, etc. Because my opinions on those haven’t changed at all through class. I’ve gotten to see other sides to the debates, but I’m still of the same mindset as I was when classes began. Since I go to a private Christian university, quite a few students are Christian. So constantly in class they would bring up “God says do X” or “God says we should do Y”, constantly bringing up their faith. I think that’s rather great, being that confident, but it does grate when we’re discussing secular morality to have religion brought up what seems like every 15 seconds.

It did get me thinking though. Because they had something deliberate to appeal to. I’m not possessing of that. Of course, I also have quite an interesting perspective on morality (according to my class at least). Still, I realized that I don’t have much of the same kind of confidence in just saying, “Well God says ____”, or even in the pagan perspective, “Pantheon X looks at it like this.” I got lambasted a bit for being totally secular in class, constantly putting away the religious observations. But I’ve realized, now that class is over, that I did that mostly because I didn’t have a way to explain to a class full of Christian or Christian-raised students exactly what my worldview was, on a moral inclusive, group-determined scale. Because I haven’t actually dealt with the question of what exactly I am.

I mean…specifically what flavor of pagan I happen to be. The class made me realize that I hadn’t ever really thought that through fully. And so, my recourse in class was to play secular devil’s advocate (oh the hilarity of that statement). Then, realizing that I hadn’t really thought of it, well, that got my mind spinning tonight while I’m awake and should be sleeping.

Side note: I seriously think I do my best thinking in the middle of the night when I should be asleep.

See, I stated a few months ago, that I was intending to research Norse, Slavic and Celtic mythology, or I guess more correctly, continue on my prior paths, but be more rigorous in the studying. But, I’ve realized that clinging to Celtic is just because that was my introduction to paganism. It doesn’t resonate with me very much, though I still find it fascinating. I appreciate the mythology and folklore, but it is not, I have the distinct impression, what I’m meant to be focusing on. That’s something that I’m coming to terms with, and accepting. It did take me quite a while to get that message though, which I also have the impression is probably a relief now that I’m not trying to force anything that I’m not meant to be a part of. And Norse mythology is fascinating, but I think my interest in that was because it has been very popular and the names constantly crop up. Again, nothing wrong with that at all, and I do still enjoy reading some of the Eddas, because there are very interesting things to be learned from reading them, just as there are from reading Celtic stories as well.

I’ve been getting a push to look into Slavic mythology and folklore. Not just because I’m interested in it (which I am, quite intensely interested in it all), but because it is the right path for me now. I figure, I should stop being stubborn and do the looking, because it can only help me. Also, I had to come to realize that trying to research into 3 pantheons all at once was just far too much, it was going to cause a strain on my mind and abilities. I can take quite a while to learn lessons, I admit. This one took me almost the last year to figure out, along with tracings of the last few years. If I focus on what it seems I’m supposed to right now, I think it will help me quite a bit more than stretching myself and trying to research into multiple areas.

There are a few things that tweak my interest, issues that I need to resolve for my own benefit. But this ethics/morality class did remind me that I hadn’t even really considered what I was. I mean, broad overview terms like witch and pagan are fine, and they are technically accurate. But, without really considering what I really am, they’re generalizations. Especially on the “pagan” front. I had not put any serious thought into that name for myself. And these musings made me realize that I really did need to think more about what I really am.

I hesitate to say I’m a Slavic pagan, because I still don’t know enough (though in all honesty I’ll always think that, since I constantly want to know more).

But, at the moment I have the distinct impression that I’m supposed to be learning more about this mythology. And if I’m getting those nudges to look in this particular direction, then I think it’s about time I follow the nudges and listen to the advice. After all, following advice should not do more damage than my proverbial mucking around in the dark over the last few years. I have the time and freedom to do my research after all, in my own space, so I should take advantage of this all. The prodding I’ve gotten in this direction is actually the first real “sign” per say that I’ve ever received, or at least that I’ve been able to determine as a sign. So I should follow the sign if it actually appears for me.

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