So I’m a bit late (sorry, school/family is hectic).
However, balance. I’m continuing a bit off my last post (Medication and Spirituality), because it seems prudent to do so. And I want to, so that’s most important. 🙂 It follows along with how my mind and mental state have been lately, so I’m going to write along as I see fit.
Getting myself all balanced out mentally is important to me. I don’t much care what other people think about my mental state and whether I should be a practicing witch, or a pagan petitioning deities if I choose. Other people’s opinions on that aren’t worth my time, because they don’t know what I’m going through. I have to work with what makes sense to me, and how I believe is best, and what the clues my system has given me over the years. All the clues and signs show me that what I am doing has not offended anyone/thing yet, so I think that at least on that front I’ve found something that works for me. So I’m coming to where I don’t listen to what others have to say about what I must do. Still, for my own sake, I want balance. And by that I don’t mean a duality, or a dichotomy or any sort of traditional meaning of the word.
For me balance is being level, being happy and confident with myself. It means having a level of emotions that isn’t swinging between extremes and not feeling depressed most of the time. It means me being comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. Because I’ve finally come to accept that I am not going to be what a normal person is, not with my mental health what it is. For me, being “normal” is never going to happen. It is not in the cards for me, that much is clear just from my mental makeup and the way I’ve been raised. I had to come to terms with those facts. I might be able to pretend, to act normal, and at times, acting is important.
But, balance for me is being myself. It is accepting who I am and working with what the gods have given me. That means, I’m working with a mental framework quite outside the ordinary. I’ve been fighting that thought for quite some time. It’s only very recently that I’ve begun to accept that I need to be myself before I can really work as either witch or pagan. If I’m fighting myself on who and what I am, I’m not in balance or able to do what I need to. Accepting that I have flaws, and that my mental health is considered (by society) totally wrong, is something I’m working with. There are some good points to my mental health, and good days, where I do better. Those are good days. But balance for me is working through the worse times, dealing with myself and my health when I’m not at my best.
I enjoy finding this balance, actually. Finding ways to keep the balance is forcing me to be creative. I have the “mundane” (I still need a better word for this) points all covered, and I’m working on those with my doctor for my health. But, on a spiritual level, I have to get creative at times. Because some things I read will just not work for me, they are not part of how my mind works and functions, they would throw what balance I have out the window. I enjoy the challenge of finding ways to continue to find balance though. It helps me see myself in a positive light, which is something I’ve never much been able to do throughout my life. So finding balance is helping me in my normal, day-to-day life as well, even if the intended purpose is to help my spiritual life, it carries over into making me feel just overall better on the self-esteem front.
Balance is just a rather new concept for me though. I’m just beginning to figure it all out in all facets of my life. I’m sure I’ll make mistakes and mess it up, but at least I’ve begun to find a framework to work with to keep myself in balance in most cases.∗