So my medications seem to be working (a few months out now). This is quite good news, and I’m sensing an upwards trend in my mood. I’m not in the ever-depressed state that is my normal. And I’m sleeping for the first time in my whole life, quality sleep that is actually leaving me not feeling tired. Pretty much, I’m counting this as a win. Since I’m feeling better, with more energy, I’m actually quite thrilled that my life seems to be evening out somewhat.
Still, I’m cautious. Medications have always stopped working for me in the past. I don’t want to get too optimistic about this treatment working, and then have it fail on me again, as the others have all inevitably done. I like being on the level and feeling good, happy-ish again. But still, I’m very cautious about what is going to happen in the next few months. I have a tolerance or something to medications, or my mental disorders tend to be treatment resistant to a more or less greater extent. So until this method seems to work outwards of a year, I’m going to be skeptical of exactly how useful it is for the long term.
I want to be optimistic about everything, to just believe that it’s all going to work out without fail. That hasn’t been the case in the past though, and I don’t like being burned per say, so I’m leaning on the side of over-cautious.
My medications though, since I’m finally finding a level again, I have new questions arising in my head. After all, if it requires medical treatment for me to remain emotionally and mentally level, then I wonder how much I can trust anything that I do. Can I trust what I see or hear, what I work on, if I can’t even have my own mind in solid, stable peace without medical intervention? Not that I’m delusional or I hallucinate, I don’t do that, even off my meds, but I am curious as to how the medications in my system might affect my experiences. I wonder if they might cloud my ability to contact deity, or to fully participate. But then I shake those thoughts off. Because no one is perfect. And my issues are just strong enough in a chemical unbalance that I need some extra help.
That doesn’t mean that I should distrust everything I encounter. Or at least, I believe it doesn’t.
I’m careful about what I believe and accept. I judge it all against the litmus test of reasonable expectation, lore and the broader experiences of the “pagan community”. Also, I know what I’m like at my worst, what my mind is like, so I think I have a pretty good handle on telling if my mind is making things up to deal with situations. After all, who better than me now (more stable), to judge what I have gone through and whether my own experiences are valid or not?
I’m sure if I needed to, I could always find ways to check against what I think. After all, the scholar in me does not like to be wrong, and so I do lots of research and checks. I don’t think that I would be any less careful in my workings, because I’m that cautious in my daily life. After all, after years of having to pretend at “normal” to fit in, I know what things should be like. In terms of my religious beliefs it is more difficult, far less of a “normal” to be compared to, but the same basic caution that I have in my non-magic life should serve me just as well.
Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that my medications are helpful. (Of course they are, or I wouldn’t be taking them, I mean helpful beyond the diagnosed purpose of my taking them) Knowing what it’s like to be on an even keel helps me to act and think more calmly, to learn more and understand more about the world around me. If that weren’t a good thing, I don’t know what could be considered so. The medication I’m on helps me feel more myself, and being more comfortable in my own skin makes it easier for me to work in general with regards to spirituality.∗