Momentary Chaos

Or, why I’m kinda slow on posting. I’d planned on doing more blog posts, I had.

However, my life is in pretty much total upheaval right now. Everything is kind of going crazy…just totally imploding. I don’t really think I can post most of it, I’m not comfortable enough and I’m still shaky. After all, I pretty much know I’ll be doing a form of couch-surfing this summer. Good thing – only 4 weeks of summer vacation for me with the whole situation of being in Germany for this last year. So at least it’s only 4 weeks and not any longer. But it’s still a bit disconcerting.

Long story very short – I’m in the middle of total chaos in my life. And chaos doesn’t really suit me. I like predictability and calmness. I suppose that’s not unusual. After all, I think most people prefer things to remain simple and unconfused. Still though, chaos tends to come in spurts for me. And when it does…well things explode (figuratively). And this time I think I might just have actually done some mental damage to myself. Not really a bad thing, since in the long run I know this will make me stronger. But in the short term it’s painful and it’s going to cause me far more mental anguish than any good. It’s just a mess really, and I definitely did this to myself.

That’s just the way things seem to go for me. I tend to break things to make them better (again, figuratively speaking here).

Like family relationships. They go downhill before I can actually get through to having a good relationship. Or friends. Some of my closest friends and I have gotten into these ugly blowouts and refused to speak for months at a time. Still though, they’re some of my closest. One has been very helpful lately, letting me talk to him about all the crap going on in my daily life. He’s also been a helpful sounding board for all my spiritual-stuff. Because he’s a pagan of some stripe – I’m not too sure on specifics. I’m a firm believer that speaking in person is better between the two of us. We have an easier time talking when we’re face-to-face. It lessens all our misunderstandings. But we can talk, because we have that basic umbrella term to help define us. I think he’s a follower of the Greek pantheon, but I’m none too certain. In any case, I’ve been talking to him, which has been immensely helpful for figuring some things out.

And then something today struck me. Because of what’s been going on, I need strength. Not physical, that would be useless. But mental strength, to see and accept that I’m not doing something wrong, no matter how much it seems like it. I know I’m doing the right thing, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing something awful, which isn’t true. It’s harmless, and it will help me. It’ll give me a measure of self-respect that I’ve never had. I’ll feel better about myself for standing up for myself, which is something that hasn’t been the case. So it’s good. But there’s still that voice in my head that whispers I’m doing something terribly wrong, that I’m just going to hurt people around me. It isn’t true, not for the most part, and I know that logically. But emotionally I’ve been just so tired and stressed.

Today I realized that I might not really understand what I’ve been dealing with. See, I’ve been asking for strength to help me out here. I think though, I’ve been looking wrong. Something struck me, a thought. I think I know who I need to turn to. It’s strange. Because this is a pantheon I’ve never considered looking at. I mean…I love all mythologies, but to seriously consider this was something I’d never even thought of. I’m still doing my Slavic paganism research, but this one is also prodding at my mind. And I’ve begun to realize that ignoring prodding generally just gives me more stress. If I listen to the prodding, it seems to help.

So I’m actually going to start doing research into the Norse mythology as well.

Strange, since I never even considered it. I mean…it isn’t something I’d usually think of.

I’ve just always been fascinated by the Celts, and then there’s the fact that you can’t get through American public schools without being thoroughly doused in Greek mythology. So I’m pretty good with Greek myths, and Roman mythology I learned from research after having to read Shakespeare’s plays on the time. So Julius Caesar, Antony and Cleopatra…they pretty much got me into learning a bit about Roman mythology. I’ll admit, never learned too much there. I always liked Greek mythology better of the two, no doubt because I knew more. And Celtic mythology, well that I’d always been interested in, because my grandma loved Ireland. My aunt’s been there, and to Scotland, and I’ll hopefully go one day. My grandma was Welsh and Irish, so I know that’s where that love comes from. So I was fascinated and I learned a lot about the Celtic people of Britain and Ireland. So that led to research on the Celtic gods from those places during middle school. I liked Lugh best of all, he was just fascinating at the time, plus, I’ll admit, at 12 I fancied myself somewhat of a genius at all things. And I think I liked Lugh because he was associated with summer and my birthday is in the middle of summer.

I definitely read basics of Norse mythology when I was younger. I mean…I remember having read an explanation of the story how Odin received the runes. And I always knew about Thor. I’ve kind of thought of him as a sort of protector of sorts, logically, but as a god of strength, I kind of saw it as being beyond the physical aspect. Not that it isn’t important as well, but I’ve always thought there’s far more than just physical strength. But beyond Odin and Thor, and Loki too, I didn’t know a whole lot about it. And I’ll be honest, I still don’t. I’ve started reading the Eddas, they’re fascinating. But I know I’m very not knowledgeable about this pantheon.

Which is why the prodding to look into it is a bit confusing for me. I never even considering looking into this. And yet, there’s this little voice in my head prodding at me to look deeper. I’ll admit a bit of reluctance. I mean, I know that some people will just think I’m only interested in this because of Thor/Avengers. Which is so far from the truth. I love the movies, yes, but they’re not mythology. Marvel-verse mythology and actual mythology are very different. I know that.

But I suppose chaos does continue it’s pattern in my life. I tend to shift and learn more during huge periods of upheaval. I’m certain that I should keep looking. After all, poking and prodding at me this long is probably a sign I should keep learning and researching. And if I’m supposed to be looking into this, then so be it. I’ll definitely take the hint and keep digging into this.

So perhaps chaos in this respect is good. I’m learning to stand up for myself. I’m learning to stay strong, even if things seem impossible. And perhaps part of learning this time is that I need to look into things that I never considered. Perhaps chaos is my friend at the moment, a way to learn things about myself I wouldn’t otherwise know.


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I'm a bibliophile who loves collecting books. Definite cat person. Amateur historian and major geek, who loves all things Tolkien and Star Trek. I'm also fluent in German.

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